Yeah, It's Santa Clause!
by Magenta1
Summary: What if Riff Raff and Magenta weren't the ones to interrupt the floor show? What if Santa Clause had gotten there first? What would they want for Christmas? What's up with Brad's fixation with cashmire sweaters? Makes you wonder, doesn't it?
1. Default Chapter

None of these characters belong to me because if they did, people would be banging on my door for my autograph and I'd be older.  
  
What if Riff Raff and Magenta weren't the ones to interrupt the floor show? What if Santa Clause had gotten there first? Makes you wonder, doesn't it?  
  
Sorry, too much free time on my hands.  
  
By the way, sorry if any of my content offends anyone. I'm not trying to be mean.  
  
Okay, enjoy!  
  
(Dancing in a chorus line thing)  
  
All: We're wild and untamed things.  
  
We're bees with a deadly sting.  
  
You get a hit and your mind goes ping.  
  
Your heart will pump and your blood will sing.  
  
So let the party and the sounds rock on.  
  
We're going to shake it till the light has gone.  
  
Rose Tint My World and keep me safe from my trouble and pain.  
  
(Suddenly the doors burst open and everyone sees a big pile of red)  
  
Frank: Oh crap! It must be the devil!  
  
Janet: Or the newest line of slutty Victoria's Secret Underwear!  
  
Brad: Or the even newer of "I'm a Fagot, so deal with it" red cashmire sweaters!  
  
Frank: Really! I've been needing some new red gay looking sweaters with matching lingere!  
  
Columbia: Hey, maybe, it's a pile of raw meat that wanted a home.  
  
(Everyone stares at her blankly)  
  
Columbia: What? It could happen?  
  
Dr. Scott: Vell, according to my scientific calculations, if the planet Mars vas lined up with the sun and the planet of Transexual at the same time, the red planet would collide with planet Earth and manage to fall right into the castle.  
  
(Everyone stares at him like he's an alien. Tee hee, a pun!)  
  
Dr. Scott: Vell, it's better than Columbia's guess!  
  
Columbia: Yeah, well at least I'm not ugly!  
  
Janet: (Snorts) Um sure Columbia, whatever you say.  
  
(The big pile of red moves)  
  
Janet: It's moving!  
  
Brad: Hey, maybe it's a big, gay Swedish guy modeling the latest sweaters!  
  
Everyone: Asshole, forget about the friggin sweaters!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(Big pile gets up and walks toward them)  
  
Santa; You're all wrong, you idiots! It's me, Santa Claus!  
  
(He walks toward the stage)  
  
Columbia: Wow, it's really you?  
  
Santa: No shit, sherlock!  
  
Columbia: Cool!  
  
Frank: Um, just exactly what are you doing here, anyway?  
  
Santa: Official business. Remember about 20 years ago when you wrote me a letter?  
  
Frank: Yeah, I remember. I complained that we didn't celebrate Christmas on Transexual, and that I wanted presents!  
  
Santa: Well, I'm here to give you your Christmas presents!  
  
Frank: The same ones I wanted when I was 5?  
  
Santa: Um, yeah.  
  
Frank: (begins to whine) But that's not fair! I wanted those presents when they were new! Now they'll be old and uncool!  
  
Santa: But...  
  
Janet: And you never gave me that dolly I wanted when I was 8!  
  
Brad: Or that red cashmire red sweater!  
  
Everyone: Brad, kiss my ass!  
  
Santa: Sorry, but I've been very busy!  
  
Columbia: Yeah, busy scaming on my Eddie!  
  
Everyone including Santa: What?!?  
  
Columbia: Remember fat camp? You and Eddie went together about 5 years ago. He said he would beat you up if you didn't give him your lunch money?  
  
Santa: Ooooh, I remember. Still have the scars.  
  
Columbia: Yeah, you used to watch him while he was changing, you sick freak!  
  
Santa: I'd never! Well, there was this one time (stops himself) Hey, if you had drunk that much eggnog, you'd do strange things too!  
  
Dr. Scott: And you never gave me that "So You Want To Be A Rocket Scientist" novel I vanted as a boy during WW11!  
  
Everyone: Shut up, you Nazi!  
  
Santa: Well, I'm sorry, but I've been very busy. Frank, it takes about 20 years for mail to reach Earth from Transexual, Transylvania.  
  
Janet: And what about my presents?  
  
Santa: Sorry, but you were never on the nice list!  
  
Janet: What? I was a perfect child! A complete angel.  
  
Santa: You worked at a stripper bar for toddlers!  
  
Janet: Hey, it was good money!  
  
Santa: You weren't getting payed!!!  
  
Janet: Um, yeah, but I got free cookies!  
  
Brad: And what about my cashmire red sweater?  
  
Santa: Hmmm, let me look at my list.  
  
(Takes his list out)  
  
Santa: Ooooh, I forgot about you. Sorry.  
  
Brad: You did? Really? Wow, that's the best Christmas present I've ever had! Everyone always gave me Christmas punches or kicks or wedgies. Wow, thanks Santa!  
  
(He gives Santa a hug)  
  
Santa: Sorry sonny, but I don't swing that way. Besides, the Mrs would get suspicious  
  
Columbia: And what about the Christmas presents you never gave me?  
  
Santa: Well, the truth is, I just didn't like you!  
  
Columbia: You bastard! (She kicks him in the balls)  
  
Santa: Ow!!! Mommy!!!  
  
(Just then, the doors are burst opened by Riff Raff and Magenta)  
  
Riff Raff: Hey, the devil's here! Cool!  
  
Frank: No, you idiot! It's Santa Clause!  
  
Riff Raff: Oh, same thing! But it doesn't matter, because I'm going to kill you all! Mwah ha ha!  
  
Santa: Hey, what did I do to you?  
  
Riff Raff: You never gave me my Christmas present!  
  
Magenta: Look, the ceiling looks like a puddle!  
  
Riff Raff: Um, that's nice. Magenta, hand me my gun!  
  
Santa: Easy there, big guy. We can work this out.  
  
Frank: Yeah, I'm too sexy to die!  
  
Janet: I'm too beautiful!  
  
Columbia: Yeah right!  
  
Janet: What the hell did you just say, bitch!?!  
  
Columbia: U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi!  
  
You ugly, yeah, yeah, you ugly!  
  
Janet: Say that to my face, you evil whore!  
  
Columbia: You want a piece of me? Come and get it!  
  
(Janet jumps on top of Columbia, and they begin to fight)  
  
Santa: Ladies, settle down!  
  
Janet: Stay out of this, you fat smuck.  
  
Santa: Hey! That's not nice! You're going on the naughty list.  
  
(Suddenly, Janet and Columbia stop fighting and they menacingly walk toward Santa)  
  
Santa: Now ladies, don't do anything hasty!  
  
Janet: (Pushes Santa on his ass)  
  
Santa: Ow!  
  
Columbia: If you thought that hurt, then you'd better give us all some Christmas presents, or that push will feel like a, a, a, um...  
  
Janet: A thingy that doesn't hurt a lot!  
  
Columbia: Yeah!  
  
Riff Raff: Oh, but I wanted to shoot him with my lazer!  
  
Magenta: But don't you want a Christmas present?  
  
Riff Raff: (Starts to cry) But Santa never gave me a present before. Do you know how badly that fucked me up? I was an unloved child because of you, and for that, you deserve to die! (He takes out his lazer gun)  
  
Santa: (Very nervous) I know, how about you can have whatever you wish for as your Christmas present?  
  
Riff Raff: (Stops crying.) Really?  
  
Santa: Um, yeah sure.  
  
Frank: What about me?  
  
Santa: Oh fine, you can all have presents!  
  
Brad: Does that mean I can have my red cashmire sweater?  
  
Everyone: Shut up, asshole!  
  
Santa: Um, each of you can wish for whatever you want.  
  
Riff Raff: And I'll go first!  
  
Frank: Hey, that's not fair! I'm the leader! And I'm better looking!  
  
Santa: The nice man with the lazer gun wants to go first! Unless you happen to have a lazer gun, then Riff Raff gets whatever the hell he wants, OKAY!  
  
Riff Raff: Yeah! (Sticks his tounge out at Frank)  
  
Santa: Come on my lap, Riff Raff, and tell me what you want. And it can be anything your heart desires that's within my budget.  
  
(Riff Raff sits on his lap)  
  
Riff Raff: Boy, this is really comfortable. I should sit on fat people more often.  
  
Santa: Um, Riff Raff?  
  
Riff Raff: Yeah?  
  
Santa: That's not my stomach. Ow!  
  
Riff Raff: Ewww!  
  
Santa: Hey, did I force you to sit there?  
  
(Riff Raff jumps off Santa)  
  
Riff Raff: I think I'll make my wish over here.  
  
Santa: Um, fine. Now little boy, what do you want for Christmas?  
  
Riff Raff: Either world domination or hair. I can't decide.  
  
Janet: Go with the hair. It'll make you look sexy!  
  
Magenta: Hey, that's my brother you're flirting with, you slut!  
  
(She jumps on top of Janet and begins beating the crap out of her)  
  
Janet: Ow, that's my leg!  
  
Frank: (Ignoring the two girls) Riff Raff, don't be an idiot! Of course you'd choose world domination. Then you could just order someone to make you a wig! Besides, the blond's an idiot!  
  
Riff Raff: Listen Frank, I don't need your help! You're just trying to trick me so I won't look sexy!  
  
Magenta: The hair would feel like a bunny!  
  
Columbia: Or like raw meat.  
  
(Everyone stares at her)  
  
Columbia: What?  
  
Riff Raff: Santa, I wish I had hair!  
  
Santa: Done! (He reaches into his sack and pulls out a Bozzo the Clown wig)  
  
Riff Raff: That's it?  
  
Santa: Sorry, it was either this or Farah Faucet's hair.  
  
Riff Raff: Cool!  
  
(He puts on the wig and looks ridiculous, as you can imagine)  
  
Riff Raff: Say guys, how do I look?  
  
Everyone except Magenta: Mad ugly!  
  
Magenta: I like it. It looks like a dead squirrel! Can I pet it?  
  
Riff Raff: Um, knock yourself out.  
  
(Magenta gets off of Janet and goes to pet the wig)  
  
Santa: Ok,who's next?  
  
Janet: Me!!!  
  
Santa: Well, then come here!  
  
Janet: (She jumps onto Santa's lap)  
  
(Slutty smirk) Big boy, aren't we?  
  
Santa: Sorry Janet, but I'm not THAT desperate!  
  
Janet: (Thinks for a moment) Hey, that was an insult!  
  
Frank: Let's give the slut a prize!  
  
Santa: Just tell me what you want!  
  
Janet: I want Britney Spears!  
  
Santa: But, she's not a present!  
  
Janet: Listen fatzo, you said anything! That includes people!  
  
Santa: Fine, but she won't be happy!  
  
Janet: Oh, she will when I'm done riding her!  
  
Frank: (Mutters to himself) For some reason, I highly doubt that!  
  
Santa: Fine! (He reaches into his sack and pulls out Britney Spears)  
  
Britney: Um, where am I?  
  
Santa: You're in a haunted castle surrounded by transexual aliens, an old Nazi, an asshole, a tapdancer, and one ugly slut!  
  
Janet: Hey!  
  
Britney: Well I want to get out of here! My boyfriend Justin's expecting me!  
  
Janet: Sorry, but you aren't going anywhere! You're MY Christmas present!  
  
(Britney looks at Santa confused)  
  
Santa: Sorry, but you're what she wanted.  
  
Britney: Well, that's ok. Say Janet, love the fishnets! I was thinking of wearing the same outfit when I sang for my next concert, only without the top.  
  
Janet: Really?  
  
Britney: Yeah. Say, you're hot! You want to go fuck?  
  
Janet: Of course, baby! Why else do you think I wanted for you?  
  
(They run off together, holding hands and stripping each other's clothes off)  
  
Brad: But I didn't get her autograph!  
  
Frank: Don't worry, I heard she's coming up with her next album, and is going to autograph the cover. It's called "Spank Me Baby, One More Time," I think.  
  
Columbia: Really? Cool!  
  
Brad: Maybe she'll give away free red cashmire sweaters!  
  
Santa: Shut up, asshole! Now, who's next?  
  
Columbia: Me!  
  
Santa: Well, then come right over here!  
  
(She sits on his stomach)  
  
Santa: Finally, someone who isn't sexually mollesting me!  
  
Columbia: Sorry Santa, but Eddie's the only one for me, you pervert!  
  
Santa: But I never...(stops himself, for it's noty worth explaining again) never mind! Let me guess, you want Eddie back for your present.  
  
Columbia: No, for my present, I wish I could meet Mickey Mouse!  
  
Santa: But Mickey Mouse is just a cartoon character!  
  
Coulmbia: Do it, or I'll bite you!  
  
Santa: Fine!  
  
(He reaches into his bag and grabs out Mickey Mouse)  
  
Mickey: Where, where am I?  
  
Columbia: You're in a haunted castle surrounded by transexual aliens, an old Nazi and an asshole!  
  
Mickey: Hey, we don't say that in this family!  
  
Columbia: Oh, sorry. Say Mickey, do you want to go play barbies and watch Disney movies with me?  
  
Mickey: Do I have a choice?  
  
Columbia: Um, no!  
  
Mickey: Fine, anything but a sequel.  
  
(Columbia drags him out of the room)  
  
Santa: Ok, who's next?  
  
Dr Scott: Well according to my calculations, me!  
  
Frank: (Rolls his eyes) Fine, just go!  
  
Dr. Scott: Okay Santa, I've decided.  
  
Santa: What?  
  
Dr. Scott: I vant a time machiene!  
  
Santa; But no one's invented it yet!  
  
Frank: Actually, I did.  
  
Santa: Oh. Well Dr. Scott, if it's been invented, I'll be able to find it.  
  
(He reaches into a sack and pulls out a time machine)  
  
Santa: Just curious, why didn't you wish that you could walk?  
  
Dr. Scott: Damn it, I knew I had forgotten something. Aw well.  
  
(He goes into the time machiene. We hear the sounds of dinosaurs)  
  
Brad: Dr. Scott must have gone to relive his childhood.  
  
(They hear the sound of painful screams and crunching teeth)  
  
Frank: Ow, that's gotta hurt!  
  
Dr Scott: (Screaming from machiene) My legs, I can't feel my legs! Ahhhh!!!!!  
  
(The dinosaur roars and the screams stop. It belches really loud.)  
  
Brad: Eww, how unsanitary. Not like red cashmire sweaters!  
  
Santa: Okay Brad, get over you freaking obsession with red cashmire sweaters! Only fagots wear them, and they're ugly!  
  
Brad: Well, I never!  
  
Santa: (Rolls his eyes) Ok, who's next?  
  
Brad: Me!  
  
(He goes to sit on Santa's lap, but he pushes him off)  
  
Santa: Not if you were the last man on Earth!  
  
Brad: Well fine! Now, I'm ready to make my wish.  
  
Santa: Gee Brad, whatever could it be for?  
  
Brad: Um, how about a blue, wool vest?  
  
Santa: One red cashi...(stops himself) WHAT? YOU WOULDN'T SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR FREAKING RED CASHMIRE SWEATER, AND NOW YOU WANT A BLUE VEST?!?!?  
  
Brad: Yeah, decided that blue was more my color.  
  
(Santa turns a funny red color and begins to choke Brad)  
  
Brad: Ow, that hurts!  
  
Santa: It's supposed to, you idiot!  
  
(Continues to choke him)  
  
Frank: Oh, just give him the freaking vest!  
  
Santa: Fine!  
  
(Drops Brad and goes into the sack for a blue, wool vest)  
  
Santa: Here, Brad. Now get out of my sight!  
  
Brad: Sheesh, you don't have to be so darned cranky about it!  
  
(He walks out with his blue vest to go and change)  
  
(Santa looks like he's ready to kill someone)  
  
Santa: NEXT!  
  
Frank:Yeah, me!  
  
Santa: Now, what do you want?  
  
Frank: I want David Boreanaz!  
  
Santa: Who?  
  
Frank: Oh my G-d, you don't know who is is? He's only the hottest guy on the planet other than me and the guys who work at Applebees!  
  
Santa: Soooorrriee! Let me go get him.  
  
(He reaches into the sack and finds him)  
  
David: Hey, where the hell am I?  
  
Frank: You're in my castle!  
  
David: Hey, working with a transexual transvestite was never mentioned in my contract!  
  
Frank: But I'm your biggest fan! I watch Angel all the time! Say, do you lose your soul again.  
  
David: Well, the viewers are supposed to think that, but it turns out that it's not a true moment of happiness because...  
  
Santa: Will you guys shut up! I have no idea what the hell you're talking about!  
  
Frank: Obviously, he's not a fan. Say, fancy a shag?  
  
David: Well, I am straight and married, but I'm willing to experiment. Just don't tell anyone, okay?  
  
Frank: No problem, baby!  
  
(He drags David Boreanaz to his bedroom)  
  
Santa: What the hell is wrong with you guys? Don't you know how to wish?  
  
Riff Raff: Um, everyone except me and Magenta left, and you still owe her a wish.  
  
Santa: Oh, fine. At least it's almost over. Now Magenta, what do you want?  
  
Magenta: Vorld domination!  
  
Santa: Finally, someone with some common sense!  
  
Magenta: And I want to fly!  
  
Santa: Well, since you actually had a good wish, I'll give you that too!  
  
Magenta: And a bunny!  
  
Santa: Don't push it sister!  
  
Okay, Santa gives Magenta world domination. She and Riff Raff now rule the world. Oh yeah, and she can fly! Riff Raff still looks like an idiot, but at least his head isn't cold in the winter! Frank and David have been seeing each other for 6 months, and now Frank plays a reoccuring role on David's show. Dr. Scott was eaten by the dinosaurs. Brad got lost when looking for the bathroom to change in and is somewhere in Africa being chased by lions. Oh yeah, they ate his blue vest! Janet and Britney are both working at a strip club in L.A. since her newest C.D. managed to sell only 3 copies. Columbia is still watching Disney movies. Mickey was driven insane after about the 17th cartoon musical, and is now banging his head on the wall and muttering about "the birds." Santa is going to therapy, where he talks about his traumatic experience and "the birds" as well. I think he and Mickey are suffering the same mental problem. 


	2. Please read my warning!

Ok, just to let you guys know, I HAVE NOT written, nor given permission for someone to write a sequel to my story. That easter bunny story was NOT written by me! I also never told the author that they could write a sequel to my story. If I was going to write a sequel to my story, I would have let you know. So that story is NOT something I gave the author permission to do. I'd appreciate it if anyone wants to use or write sequels to my stories, that they ask me first!!!!!!!!  
  
P.S. I know the lyrics to Rose Tint My World, and if I didn't, I'd look them up!  
(To that other author) 


End file.
